Story time! The Addict Diaries Vol. 3: That time I took my first pill & my life was over.
**Trigger Warning: The following content contains subject matter & dialog involving drug/substance abuse.
(Me (left) & my sister circa 2004ish)
When I took it, the strangest thing happened. All my stress, all my anxiety, it all just melted away. Nothing mattered, I didn’t care about anything, it had flipped a switch in my brain I didn’t even know I had. It gave me so much power (or so I thought). It all starts off innocently enough, and the next thing you know it goes from recreationally to a daily need and want, then a necessity just to get through your days. Something dark inside your brain telling you that you have to have it.
It’s now 2004, I’m a fresh faced 19 year old just living life, working, and having fun with my friends. Life had taken its toll on me a little. I had started regularly taking Xanax and smoking weed on a daily basis. I’d get off work, stop at the dealers house, buy a handful of pills and a bag of weed and go home. I’d be exhausted from working all day, by the time I’d get home it was always between midnight and 2am.. so I’d eat the pills, watch the boring antenna tv (always late night episodes of Cheers), smoke and pass out. The naive girl from a small town who didn’t even know what drugs were, who had I become? Little did I know, as the years passed it would become harder and harder to get that girl back again. She slipped further and further from my grasp with every high.
This was around the time getting online had became super popular, so my roommates and I would take turns signing into our dial-up internet and playing around on AOL messenger. I had came across an old friend of mine from high school, Mark*, who I used to hang out with ALL the time. He was literally the nicest sweetest guy you could ever meet. A little on the creepy side to some, but I understood his social anxiety because I had it too. Never a romantic relationship, more like a best friend/brother/protector.
It wasn’t a good routine I had settled into, but I was so homesick and hated my depressing life at this point, I needed to go home.
We started talking regularly on the phone and online, I opened up to him about how miserable I was and how stuck I felt. This went on for a month or so. One night after I got off work I had a baggie full of pills in my bra, called Mark* and chatted. He would always tell me how I deserved better and I needed to get out of the bad situation I had settled myself into.
Now remember, I was super high and pretty out of it’s when he said the words “Tell me you want to come back home and I’ll get in my car and come get you right now”
I felt around in my bra for those pills, ate 2 more and the next thing out of my mouth was..
“Okay, come get me.”
...to be continued.